The End

Me and my girlfriend split up recently because the timing is just not right and long distance is to great an obstacle. The hopes are that we will come together again in the future, although I am usually an extreme optimist, but I fear that is inevitably not going to happen. I see her finding someone else, who probably will like living in TX, and forgetting about me. This was the girl who made me believe in love and happiness with another, who taught me so much about what it means to be in a relationship and who from the very beginning I though I would be able to spend my life with. Now I had my doubts from time to time and nearly fucked everything up. After my near disaster I realized that there was nothing I wanted more than to be with her. Her doubts come with another man in the picture as well as the "wonders" of being single and exploring. She had often criticized me of having these thoughts and being too immature to be in a monogamous relationship.

On the outside I am calm and collected as I hear the words coming from her mouth, but inside a fountain of sadness pours through my body and drowns out any emotion. I have learned throughout the course of my life to put on this "mask of happiness" even in the loneliest and darkest times. I haven't had to bring out that mask in nearly a year and a half, but now I find it has come out nearly any time I am in a social area. "Smile for the people" my brain says, "talk and laugh" it says again. What I would really like to do is just disappear for a while with my dog and my tent and just live off the land away from all this illusion I have to live by. I want to live somewhere where I can scream as loud as I want and nobody will hear me, but unfortunately I only live in the world of school debt for the moment and the kind of life I would long for right now is impossible.

I hope that this decision she has made brings her all the answers, happiness, and good health she deserves. I'll be happy just knowing that she is happy and healthy, even if she is in another's arms.

Here's to you:
"Washed away sunshine two tables for two,
known for a laugh but known to be blue.
call it a mishap it's sad but it's true...
looks like I'll never stop lovin you."

Miss ya babe