Another Day Another Disappointment.

Well I woke up this morning at 5:30 a.m. super excited to go on a snowshoe excursion up "Little Saint Joe Peak" here in Montana. I got all my shit together, packed my lunch, got my snowboard ready for the first ride since I broke my leg, and headed out to the gas station to meet up at 7....Nobody showed.

Instead I'll be patching a hole in a gas tank, changing glow plugs, and doing other miscellaneous maintenance to the truck I'll be driving to Moab...hopefully tomorrow. I need to get a move on. My family is trying to be too supportive of me and it's driving me mad...I'm like a damn ticking time bomb and the littlest thing can set me off...twice now in the past 3 days I have just completely exploded...once unnecessarily and the other time I think was justified.

Well I'll just keep hoping things will get better...I'm trying to will good to come my way, but the bad still keeps flooding in... Moab please bring me good fortune, I need it so very badly.

Journey from the center of the earth.

I've haven't felt so down in years. Down Down Down and Depressed.................................... I hope tomorrow brings a brighter day.

???????????

I wonder: "why is it when you're finally on top of the world with everything you could ever wish for something comes along, makes you lose your balance and go plummeting back to the center of the earth where it's so fucking dark and depressing?"

I guess I can't get any deeper than where I am now, all there is to do is start climbing my way out of this hole. Luckily I've had some help along the way so far. Now I just need to find a new girl to share my adventures and thoughts with. Get me to Moab and I'll find just that. There are hundreds of thousands of people who visit Moab every summer, all of the outdoorsy type. I am bound to meet at least one girl who I get along with and who shares my ideas, goals, and lifestyle....bring us together mother nature, even if only briefly, show me that there is more than just one girl out there for me.

Anger, Thoughts, and Moving On.

Anger begins to seep into me.
I can't stop it.
I don't understand what's going on.
How can you be hurting when you're in another's arms?
How can you feel the pain I feel?
You had time to disconnect.
I had none.


I'm really falling into a point where now I am beginning to feel anger. It's an inevitable part I believe. I've tried to suppress it, but it grows in me every day. I really don't understand how you can tell me the things you continue to say to me. "You're the Mecca," "I love you," "You the one I want to Marry," "I miss you."

I just feel I've been lied to the entire past year and a half of my life. I was only here to serve the purpose of getting you back on your feet, so you could leave me. I don't know if I believe I was ever loved....You had once made me believe in love after it had been lost from my life for so very long, now it seems as if I've been the butt end of a long ongoing joke.

I don't know how you can feel what's going on with me. You have support. You have another man in your life....not only now, but really even before we split up you had another. You may as well have cheated on me. I would feel the same way. I know I actually did cheat on you and I now know the exact feelings you felt, but my guilt still haunts me today and it was the 1 greatest mistake of my life. The difference between your action and mine is that she really meant nothing to me...you on the other hand have completely thrown me away like a stinking piece of trash that has been stuck in some corner of your life for too long and have chosen him...obviously he means a lot to you, much more than you lead on (your defense mechanism to protect you from getting hurt.)

I'm sorry I ever hurt you the way I did while I was away. I realized I really did abandon you by taking that job, and I crushed you when I cheated. I can't ever take that away and there isn't a day that goes by now that I don't feel guilty and sad that I could have done that to you. I truly am sorry that I could have ever hurt the one I loved in such a way.

Don't take this message the wrong way I am not trying to convey this in an angry tone. I am merely getting this off my chest. I am angry, but it is just my heart trying to mend itself. I am just angry about the thoughts that are running through my head about the past year, and I just feel so used. USED USED USED AND THROWN AWAY. If that's all I was to you I wish you would have told me and I wouldn't have invested so much of myself into you. I could still have helped you, but I would have protected myself and my heart.

I got pretty infuriated today when you claimed I had false motives for helping your brother. I have wanted to give him an adventure for such a long time. It's not as if this idea has come out of the blue. I asked him long ago if he would like to do it, and I told him if he did I would make it happen. I try to keep my word if at all possible, and I am finally going to have enough money to actually do it, and his birthday is coming up so it works out nicely. I don't know why you try to make everything about you. That is probably your one biggest fault. You can be so incredibly selfish sometimes. You can also be incredibly selfless and I've seen you help and care for so many people, but for some reason when it comes to me you're oblivious to what my needs are, and this carried through our whole past relationship. You could always talk to me, but rarely the other way. I know you can be the greatest person to talk to about problems. You have been there for all of your friends and have given them tough love if needed and other advice...or when you've been needed just to listen you were there for them. I just don't know why I was different.

Well I have vented enough to this page, I am going to take the advice you gave me yesterday. I am going to move on. You have found a new happiness which will grow on you, and you will be happy with him, I need to find a new girl that I can once again be happy with too.

just writing to say goodbye.

You're the only one who reads my blog, so I was just writing to say goodbye. I'm sure you wont get this for a couple of days, but I think the only way I am going to be able to move on is to just try to forget about everything completely. Laurie wanted me to call her later this week to check in on me so I plan on doing that, but I don't plan on checking my facebook anymore...it's just there for you to look at the pictures if you want. I am going to move all of our pictures to an external hard drive and off my computer, so I'm not tempted to look at them anymore. It hurts so bad to see you and know your not mine. I am so happy for all the times we've had and shared and that you've been able to blossom the way you have. I just want to forget it all though. Every time I think of you I get a clenched stomach and as you've heard sometimes I begin to dry heave. The only way to make this pain go away is to forget. I didn't tell you on the phone, but when I was talking to Laurie I told her that all I wanted was to just go to a bar and get sauced to drown out the pain. I told her not to worry about that, I know the road that leads to and I'm not interested, but it's just such an easy means to an end...you know. I wish there was the machine that's in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind that erases memories. It just makes me feel like crying knowing that my chances of having memories with you like the ones before are slim to none. I don't know what I could have done differently. I honestly feel like the giving tree where you've taken everything away from me except my trunk. I have nothing left to give except a place to sit, and even that's deteriorating quickly from all the "bugs" that are attacking me. I gave you my heart and soul I have nothing. Right now I don't even have anything to give to anyone else. The only way I can get my pieces back is by forgetting. Once enough time has passed I may be able to open up those old pictures again or relive the forgotten memories, but that is an unknown length of time. I wish only the best upon you. Good luck with your nursing career (you don't need it) and any other venture you seek. Give your family my love, and I still plan to get your brother out of a plane. I'll just send money in the mail I suppose. He needs an adventure more than anyone. Let him know if he ever thinks of something he would like to try even if he thinks he may not be able to do it, to give me a call and I will do everything in my power to make it happen. He needs something more than a computer and I'll do anything I can to help him with whatever he thinks up. Take care, and still know if you ever really need someone to talk to I will be happy to forget forgetting for a moment and try to help.

Always,
David

It's ok

Well thanks to Jess I'm going to be ok. She gave me the tools I need to come out of this without any major heart ache after this point in time. Laughter is such a great thing. It is indeed the mender of all problems.

Thanks Jess you totally rock!

The End

Me and my girlfriend split up recently because the timing is just not right and long distance is to great an obstacle. The hopes are that we will come together again in the future, although I am usually an extreme optimist, but I fear that is inevitably not going to happen. I see her finding someone else, who probably will like living in TX, and forgetting about me. This was the girl who made me believe in love and happiness with another, who taught me so much about what it means to be in a relationship and who from the very beginning I though I would be able to spend my life with. Now I had my doubts from time to time and nearly fucked everything up. After my near disaster I realized that there was nothing I wanted more than to be with her. Her doubts come with another man in the picture as well as the "wonders" of being single and exploring. She had often criticized me of having these thoughts and being too immature to be in a monogamous relationship.

On the outside I am calm and collected as I hear the words coming from her mouth, but inside a fountain of sadness pours through my body and drowns out any emotion. I have learned throughout the course of my life to put on this "mask of happiness" even in the loneliest and darkest times. I haven't had to bring out that mask in nearly a year and a half, but now I find it has come out nearly any time I am in a social area. "Smile for the people" my brain says, "talk and laugh" it says again. What I would really like to do is just disappear for a while with my dog and my tent and just live off the land away from all this illusion I have to live by. I want to live somewhere where I can scream as loud as I want and nobody will hear me, but unfortunately I only live in the world of school debt for the moment and the kind of life I would long for right now is impossible.

I hope that this decision she has made brings her all the answers, happiness, and good health she deserves. I'll be happy just knowing that she is happy and healthy, even if she is in another's arms.

Here's to you:
"Washed away sunshine two tables for two,
known for a laugh but known to be blue.
call it a mishap it's sad but it's true...
looks like I'll never stop lovin you."

Miss ya babe

New Blog! New Blog!

I think "SMELLING THE ROSES" needs to write a new blog.

That is all.

AHHHH! Taking in the Great Outdoors.

So this summer I'm taking a job out in the St. Louis area. I either have to live with the people I work with in their basement, which wouldn't be a big deal, or live in a wall tent/tarped area for cooking. I believe I am going to live in the tent. I really enjoy living outside and I think it will remind me of the old kick ass days when I was a river guide/fire fighter and was outside 99% of the time the entire summer. I will be able to cook on a camp stove and use a dutch oven to make fantastic foods/deserts that seriously taste so DAMN good! I am really excited. I have also chosen this because I usually like to separate work from well life in general, so having my own space where I'm not bothering anyone and they aren't bothering me is extremely important. I mean think about it who really wants to live where they work and be around the same people they work with all day every day...sounds like a recipe for disaster, and despite my nickname I really do not want that to happen as I am super excited about this job as well.