Anger, Thoughts, and Moving On.

Anger begins to seep into me.
I can't stop it.
I don't understand what's going on.
How can you be hurting when you're in another's arms?
How can you feel the pain I feel?
You had time to disconnect.
I had none.


I'm really falling into a point where now I am beginning to feel anger. It's an inevitable part I believe. I've tried to suppress it, but it grows in me every day. I really don't understand how you can tell me the things you continue to say to me. "You're the Mecca," "I love you," "You the one I want to Marry," "I miss you."

I just feel I've been lied to the entire past year and a half of my life. I was only here to serve the purpose of getting you back on your feet, so you could leave me. I don't know if I believe I was ever loved....You had once made me believe in love after it had been lost from my life for so very long, now it seems as if I've been the butt end of a long ongoing joke.

I don't know how you can feel what's going on with me. You have support. You have another man in your life....not only now, but really even before we split up you had another. You may as well have cheated on me. I would feel the same way. I know I actually did cheat on you and I now know the exact feelings you felt, but my guilt still haunts me today and it was the 1 greatest mistake of my life. The difference between your action and mine is that she really meant nothing to me...you on the other hand have completely thrown me away like a stinking piece of trash that has been stuck in some corner of your life for too long and have chosen him...obviously he means a lot to you, much more than you lead on (your defense mechanism to protect you from getting hurt.)

I'm sorry I ever hurt you the way I did while I was away. I realized I really did abandon you by taking that job, and I crushed you when I cheated. I can't ever take that away and there isn't a day that goes by now that I don't feel guilty and sad that I could have done that to you. I truly am sorry that I could have ever hurt the one I loved in such a way.

Don't take this message the wrong way I am not trying to convey this in an angry tone. I am merely getting this off my chest. I am angry, but it is just my heart trying to mend itself. I am just angry about the thoughts that are running through my head about the past year, and I just feel so used. USED USED USED AND THROWN AWAY. If that's all I was to you I wish you would have told me and I wouldn't have invested so much of myself into you. I could still have helped you, but I would have protected myself and my heart.

I got pretty infuriated today when you claimed I had false motives for helping your brother. I have wanted to give him an adventure for such a long time. It's not as if this idea has come out of the blue. I asked him long ago if he would like to do it, and I told him if he did I would make it happen. I try to keep my word if at all possible, and I am finally going to have enough money to actually do it, and his birthday is coming up so it works out nicely. I don't know why you try to make everything about you. That is probably your one biggest fault. You can be so incredibly selfish sometimes. You can also be incredibly selfless and I've seen you help and care for so many people, but for some reason when it comes to me you're oblivious to what my needs are, and this carried through our whole past relationship. You could always talk to me, but rarely the other way. I know you can be the greatest person to talk to about problems. You have been there for all of your friends and have given them tough love if needed and other advice...or when you've been needed just to listen you were there for them. I just don't know why I was different.

Well I have vented enough to this page, I am going to take the advice you gave me yesterday. I am going to move on. You have found a new happiness which will grow on you, and you will be happy with him, I need to find a new girl that I can once again be happy with too.